© 2019 Charles Dunlevy
I suppose I am a survivor. At times I wonder why I am still here. Other times, I am thankful to be here. One of the hardest times of the year for me is Christmas. Christmas is a time to be with family. It is a time to show love to your loved ones and celebrate the birth of Christ (if Christian) or the madness which is Santa Claus (secular).
My immediate family here in Canada are no longer here. They have gone to a better place I am sure. I am here all alone and am reminded of the situation every year around Christmas. I usually receive several invites to be with my friends and their families. I appreciate their kindness, but can’t help feeling awful seeing everybody enjoying the season with their families while I have none.
I always hear the tired old saying from my friends, “we are your family.” While I appreciate the sentiment and consider my closest friends my “brothers”, it still does not make up for the fact that I no longer have an immediate biological family. The pain is real and I tend to mask it each and every year.
I try to be happy for my friends because I don’t want them to feel down because of my plight. I try to be happy for my Mom because I don’t want her looking down on me from Heaven and crying because her baby boy is all alone.
I have two brothers in particular who, while not biologically related, might as well be. I have known these guys for most of my life and have always been a part of their extended family. I usually spend my Christmas at their sprawling estate. This year, it pained me to tell them and the family that I will be staying home this year due to the pandemic.
Being home alone on Christmas has its ups and downs. This might be considered manic depressive if analysed. On one hand, I enjoy the peace and quiet of being home in my luxurious suite. I am free to listen to whatever music I like. I can drink all the beer I want and eat whatever I crave. Christmas is not a time for dieting. I always tell people during the holiday season to go forth and eat cake, drink, and be merry.
I did just that this year. I had a good time watching movies, playing videos games, eating a LOT of food, drinking a LOT of beer, dancing, and listening to music. Some of my dearest friends contacted me via text and instant messaging. I spoke with two of my brothers and one of my lovely sisters on the phone. I rarely use the phone, but these three people are so dear to me I had to call them.
At times I found myself feeling happy, then sad. I heard from friends who although they were with their families, felt depressed due to the ongoing pandemic and how it has impacted everyone. I reassured them that this year is a blip on the radar and next Christmas will be bigger than ever.
I usually spend Christmas Day with my extended “family” at their mansion, and the days surrounding Christmas dining and dating my lovely ladies, or drinking with the guys. This year I could not do any of this. I found myself living vicariously through movies and video games.
I miss my biological family like you wouldn’t believe. I will never stop shedding tears for them. I am thankful for my close friends and brothers. I love my lovely ladies and look forward to seeing them again once it is safe to travel around the globe or the city.
I find that music and beer offer me an escape from the realities that afflict me. I catch a rhythm, cannot remain still, and start dancing and singing. I have been listening to a wide variety of songs this weekend…. classic house, Korean ballads, soulful house, garage house, Afro house, tech house, classical piano, Korean trot, Nigerian Afrobeats, and traditional Yoruba music.
I sit here by my big, beautiful, bay window looking out over a vast city that nobody can enjoy during the pandemic. I think, maybe I should end this misery and pain by flying out the window… maybe not. I look outside and see a world that I will be enjoying again in no time. I see a world that needs my presence. There are several wonderful women in my life who would start World War 3 if something were to happen to me. They and my brothers give me hope and strength.
Side story: I am sitting here with two laptops and two smartphones, wearing my computer nerd glasses, listening to Yoruba music, drinking Boneshaker IPA, and writing these thoughts. I think I should post this and then contact a few choice friends.
Be safe and Merry Christmas.